Oh my God, this old wardrobe you bought looks UH-mazing. So shabby sheik! And – no way – only $100? Bargained down from $300? Dayum! You, my friend, are haggling wizard. I’m taking you to my next weekend estate sale spree! Where the heck did you find such a nice piece?
The antique fair? No kidding! You mean the one on the abandoned military base? The one with rows of warehouses full of dead-eyed broken windows? I bought a taxidermy possum there once. Named him Bert-
Sorry. Did you say something? Oh! Haha, I could have sworn I heard you say “Get out” in an unusually deep, sinister voice. My boyfriend is always telling me I don’t listen very well, hah! Guess he’s right!
I really just can’t get over this spackled old style mirror on the front. So vintage! Weird that it kind of looks like it’s not just my reflection but also the reflection of another person staring back at me. It sucks that the extra face looks pale and tormented. Must be some sort of interesting flaw in the glass. I bet a good polish would get that out. Or a mirror specialist? They have those, right? These days they have a specialist for everything. Did you know that a tree specialist is called an “arborist”? I mean, that doesn’t even make sense, right?!
Oh! You opened the wardrobe door!
Pff! “It was locked” and “You couldn’t open it until just now.” What a kidder you are. By the way, a lock specialist is called a lock smith! Bah! “It was locked.” Now you’re just messing with me.
Aww, did you know there was a cute little dolly inside? This must be ancient. I bet the seller is just kicking himself – if he only knew he sold you this beautiful antique and threw in a vintage doll for free… man! It’s a little charred-looking. Kids back in the day probably played too close to fireplaces. I wonder what the story is behind those soulless glass eyes… It’s almost like they’re glowing.
Ah! Haha! That tickles! You know I hate it when people breathe on my neck like that.
What do you mean? Of course you did. I literally just felt you do it.
Where’d the doll go?
OW! What the hell, why’d you shove me? No, of course I didn’t laugh in a high pitched little girl voice, are you crazy?
You know, to be totally honest, I always thought your apartment would benefit more from like a mid-century modern kind of vibe… Did you always have three red scratch marks down your arms? Ok, don’t get pissed, I mean, your cat is kind of a dick.
So if the doll’s not –
MOTHER OF PEARL! An earthquake? Now?! There isn’t even anything to hide under! You couldn’t have found a sturdy table at the antique fair instead?!
What do you mean it’s just the wardrobe that’s shaking?! That’s impossib –
uh oh. Shattered mirror. 7 years bad luck right there. At least it stop – Oh.
It’s right behind you.
Ahem. So, what’s their, like, return policy?